Actually, this one is true. To some extent. Once married you are expected to let your beloved know a few basics. Like, for instance, if you’re going to be late, you need to call, or if you need to head out of town for a few days, you need to plan, or if you accidentally made out with someone at a party (and that’s not how you two roll), it might be a good idea to have a chat. You don’t get to do whatever the hell you want whenever the hell you want. So yeah, you lose some independence, but only a certain kind—the kind of independence where you’re let off the hook and released from accountability. That, my friend, is gone. But independence within marriage is not only possible, but absolutely necessary to the well being of the newly established us.
There was a stretch of time (when Wesley and I were working in overdrive without weekends or vacation. And it was stressful. I wanted time each day to be together. He wanted space to unwind and be creative. Neither one of us really could articulate why our free time became the hardest time to connect. After some months had passed (and a few solitary retreats), we both discovered that part of the stress was that “time off” meant “time together”. Before marriage time off meant many things and sometimes it meant time together. So it was interesting to notice that many of our individual practices like drawing, painting, playing music, dancing, going on solitary retreat – the experiences where we each found refuge -- that we were sacrificing those experiences for the newly established us. But this was a sacrifice to big to bear. It conflicted with an earlier vow, a personal commitment we each made silently many years before we met -- the commitment to return to our being. Without solitude, we weren’t as connected. With it, time dissolved and our relationship deepened.
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Check out our earlier articles on the series Marriage: Nobody Tells You Anything